lickety jackblog: June 2007

If your going to be in Cincy on july 7, I suggest you apply now.

"Generous Compensation will be considered."

clarence thomas: supreme dick?

these latest supreme court decisions are creepy as fuck. thank god powerful companies/unions can exercise their 'free speech' to mislead everyone during elections, and meanwhile the 'free speech' of the bong hits 4 jesus crowd is curbed.

regarding clarence's opinion on that last case, jonathan zimmerman of the LA times raises an interesting point: since when are schools' primary goal the 'discipline and obedience' of youth? what about, say, learning and shit?

To Thomas, American educational history seems to end at the start. Our first schools aimed to instill discipline, he wrote, so that's what schools should do.

Worse, Thomas assumes that the schools succeeded in this task. "Teachers commanded," he wrote, "and students obeyed." But this command melted away in recent years, Thomas claims, when courts invented specious student rights — and "undermined the traditional authority of teachers to maintain order in the public schools."

Here's the part of Thomas' opinion that would be relevant — if it were true. But it's not. Yes, teachers tried to establish strict order and discipline in early American schools. As often as not, however, they failed.

really though, is clarence a bigger dick than scalia? might be. at least scalia's out there telling it like he sees it. clarence usually says nothing, just looks around all crazy-like thinking shit-knows-what. when he does accidentally write something, we find out he's the proverbial wolf in sheep's clothing.

if, you know, sheep wore robes.

Labels: supreme court

to whomever came here upon googling "ryan nootz":

i apologize for our sparse nootz content. perhaps you were looking for this?

Ever felt like your coffee table was just too stupid for words?

This is kind of old news (I first saw the video about a month ago), but I just came across another picture gallery of Microsoft's new "Surface" and decided I'd put it up for your perusal. Apologies for being a tad stale. Anyway, Surface is a computer disguised as a coffee table, and it's got some pretty sweet-looking tricks up its sleeve. You can see a video with a few demonstrations of Surface's capabilities here and a pretty decent gallery here. (Note the pictures in the gallery involving credit cards and how we might one day be able to use them alongside smart surfaces...it looks dope.)

I don't know how widespread the appeal of a computer like this will be, but I want one. Unfortunately the going price at release will be something like 10 grand, so I guess I'll have wait a bit. It seems likely that smart surfaces will begin to gain more widespread appeal in homes and businesses, and this computer might represent a true revolution in computer interface technology. I've even read it compared to the advent of the personal computer, but that was pretty effing gigantic, so I guess we'll have to wait and see. For now, I highly encourage you to watch that video. It's crazy.

Labels: computers, science

tahoe burning/jim gibbons update

as you may know, we've got quite a rager going 'round my neck of the woods. with lake tahoe burning for a couple days now, the governator flew in direct from a european vacation to survey the damage. strangely, it was our old friend jim gibbons dishing out the one-liners this time:

"This lake is not just important to Nevada and California. It's a national treasure," he said. Gibbons stressed that regional cooperation was needed to fight the fire. "What happens in California doesn't just stay in California."

you see, california? if you could only be more like vegas, where our fires stay in the loins of burlesque show ticket holders.

or, you know, more like grannies.

a jackblog-amillionmonkeys blogmaster straw poll ranks governor jim gibbons of nevada in the top two shittiest governors in office today.

but to his credit, the man who's proposed initiatives to turn nevada's nonexistent coal into jet fuel and using birkenstock-wearers as human shields in iraq is seeing pretty good poll numbers these days (49% approved).

wtf, nevada?

Labels: california, gubernatorial dongs

can somebody tell me if this is real?

UPDATE:image removed due to work-safe fears. apparently architects are afraid of weird hands.

Labels: science

Get to know your CIA.

Slashdot has a post concerning the recent declassification of some CIA documents, most notably a collection commonly known as the "Family Jewels." This 700-page document, according to the CIA's Freedom of Information Act Page, is an agency-wide response to a "1973 directive from Director of Central Intelligence James Schlesinger asking them to report activities they thought might be inconsistent with the Agency's charter." In otherwords, it's the bad shit.

Assassination attempts using the mafia, kidnapping, wiretapping, you name it. You don't have to look to far to find all kinds of dirty little tidbits the CIA is finally admitting to. Plenty is still blocked out, but it remains fascinating to see all this stuff right there in black and white. Readers of the Principia Discordia will no doubt be unnerved by the similarity in page numbering between the two documents.

Perhaps less interesting, but also available, is the 11,000 page long CAESAR-POLO-ESAU collection. Again from the CIA FOIA page: "The CAESAR and POLO papers studied Soviet and Chinese leadership hierarchies, respectively, and the ESAU papers were developed by analysts to inform CIA assessments on Sino-Soviet relations."

Yawn. There are some curious individual document titles, however, including "The Doctor's Plot," "Indecision and Stress," and "Lin Piao and the Great Helmsman."

Could be worth a read.

Labels: spooks

how are we blogging?

friends, it's been over three years and 915 posts since the jackblog was forged in a glorious if rat-infested u street rowhouse back in ought 4. seasons change and so has the jackblog. but how is it serving you, the jackblogger? or you, the jackblog reader?

do you have any comments or concerns? have we forsaken your personal blog, or the blog of your kin? do you or your friends need postin' access? what would you like to see from jackblog headquarters in the future? are you haunted by marvel-dog's creepy visage? would you like your own jackshoppe t-shirt? should we cut the link from the pitiful angerblog?

comment away, anonymous or otherwise. you may also use the peanut guy's address [thepeanutguy at g mail dot com] for clandestine concerns (don't worry, he won't respond on his site... unless you want him to).

I have been wearing the same stale boxers for years. I'm sick of them. Yesterday afternoon, in a fit of pique, I went out and bought boxer briefs.

I wanted something that kept me from 'roaming' while riding my bike to work. There were so many holes in my old boxers that there was no hope there. So I decided to try something new.

I'm still on the fence. There is certainly more support here. Further, my wife seems to find them sexier. I think they make me look a Euro trash prig.

Do boxers, or tightie whities, or their hilarious hybrid boxer briefs, indicate something about you as a man? I'd like to think that they don't, but then, if a woman is wearing boxer briefs she's automatically a lesbian.

What do you guys think?

Labels: Boxer Briefs

folks, all this posthuman talk got me thinking: time for another blogs of glory entry.

this week, we meet our very own Livejournal Tennyson, "lover of anime" (loa) whose poems are sure to wrench the heart while warming the soul:

so i'm going to order a McMurder sandwich
and call it good for you to eat
and let you eat it
so you can get fat
upon your
own
stupidity
(...)
and let me flesh canopy you
(...)
so let's become tomorrow
posthuman and premenstral with our birth

hmm... do you think loa means pre-minstrel or pre-menstrual? and is "to flesh canopy" really a verb?

Labels: blogs of glory, posthuman

jean schmidt: still the biggest joke in congress

from the hill:

Anyone who has worked in the Capitol Building for more than a couple of years knows the heart-dropping feeling of seeing dozens of members of Congress running toward the street at full speed.

More than a couple of House aides reported the frightening scene around lunchtime Friday, and the subsequent urge to scan the sky for signs of danger.

Capitol Police officers, though, know well the other reason that members of Congress are likely to break into a sprint: It was the last vote of the week.

In the midst of the chaos, onlookers reported that Rep. Jean Schmidt (R-Ohio) was left standing in the middle of the street, cell phone in hand, no airport-headed car to be seen.

They said that a frantic Schmidt was bellowing into her phone, “WHERE ARE YOU? WE HAVE TO HURRY!”

Nearby, Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen (R-Fla.) chastened her colleague with a reminder that the aide on the other end of the phone call wasn’t the only one listening.

“Jean, you have to quiet down — we are in public,” two strolling aides overheard Ros-Lehtinen say.

...

An SUV bearing Ohio plates did eventually rescue Schmidt, by the way, but her office did not respond to inquiries yesterday as to whether she made her flight.

she was on my plane from DC to cincinnati once, wearing a sailor's outfit and a trademark scrunchie. she was also on my committee, arrived in the middle of a hearing during testimony, and propped her hosiery-clad feet up on the seat next to her in the front row.

eww.

Labels: mean jean

who will play First Run now that "Tripping Billies" is behind bars?

file under dumb bills:

california assemblyman Anthony Portantino has introduced AB 702, the 'truth in music advertising act', which "would make it harder for musicians to advertise themselves as a famous group from the past, unless they had trademarked the name or at least one of the members of the group was an original member."

The idea is to head off groups promoting themselves as the Drifters or Commodores or Beatles without actually having a Drifter or Commodore or Beatle in the group. The bill to ban imposter groups...is sponsored by Jon Bauman, who is chair of the Truth in Music Committee at the Vocal Group Hall of Fame. You might know him better as "Bowzer," from Sha Na Na.

sorry guys, we're going to have to can our Sha Ya Ya Brotherhood recording sessions.

Labels: california

There is no spoon.

A European Consortium-sponsored team of researchers from the Graz University of Technology in Austria and the University College of London are making things interesting. Seems that the Graz group is really good at measuring brain signals via implants or electrodes while the Londoners build a kickass VR. Put 'em together and what do you get? A virtual environment in which people can control simulated physical actions with nothing more than their imagination. See that guy? Imagine you're shaking his hand. Whoops! You are!

The applications, as you can probably imagine, are many.

"After having a healthy volunteer test the system, the researchers asked a man paralysed almost entirely from the neck down to try it out.He was asked to walk up to different virtual characters and wait for each character to say hello. The subject was able to do so about 90% of the time."

Unsurprisingly, the patient's response to the exercise was positive.

This seems pretty intense, especially considering the term "mind control" is thrown out a few times as a way of describing what the patients are doing in this virtual environment. The technical accuracy is there, I guess, but I think the term carries quite a bit of baggage for most of us. The usage here is intended to highlight the mind that is controlling, rather than the mind that is being controlled. But as the brain signal interpretation/speed improves and the VR becomes more lifelike due to ever-increasing processor-speeds and memory storage capabilities, who knows what the limits are to what such a set-up could accomplish, for good or ill. I mean, hell, I can't move my arm without thinking about it moving, either, so at what point does it get difficult to tell the difference? Philip Dick, here we come.

But not for a while. The brain-computer interface here remains crude in that you have to be able to see to participate in the VR, so that's got a ways to go. But if, at some point, the visual circuit can be hacked, and the VR piped directly to the brain via a more assimilated and subtle BCI, then what?

The article has lots of good links including pages for the Graz team, the UCL team and PRESENCCIA, the consortium sponsoring the whole thing.

(Picture and quote from NewScientist.com)

Labels: posthuman

the jackblog is a barren wasteland but for my myriad assposts of banal minutiae. where have all the jackbloggers gone? could it be they, unlike vaquero frio, have activities that do not chain them helplessly to a desk with nothing else to do but, you know, work? it don't matter to cowboy. by the end of july i, like you, shall be free.

have a weekend of unearthly feculence.

In a direct affront to Bovusites everywhere, there are those who, if polled, would NOT select a large, greasy, holographically enabled, and overwhelmingly pungent subterranean grotto housing an unfathomable body of Bovine Broth regularly bathed in by a flatulent, overweight and largely incontinent chef as the single most pivotal location on, or under, the face of the planet. Of course this is alarming to Bovusites in the know everywhere. It is agreed upon by those same Bovusites in the know that these people should be approached with a healthy disdain tinged with equal parts pity and outright rage. The next step is to coldly ask them when the last time they supped on the salty divinity of beef-broth infused delicacies was. When they reply, as they inevitably will, that just last night they had a splendid French dip with au jus, or perhaps a nice mongolian beef from the take out place down the street, the Bovusite is to laugh contemptuously, and then follow up with a secondary question concerning Tijuana and whether or not the non-believer in question understands just how utterly important the battling of telekinetically controlled cocks is in the governance of their very lives right down to the smallest most minute detail. This should be followed by a hasty departure.

Labels: ralphnsocks

at the iowa electronic markets, you can bet on the futures of everything from influenza outbreaks to the 2008 presidential candidates.

lacking trust in the system, i neglected to invest during the 2006 election, but several of my colleagues in grad school made some cash on the congressional elections. IEM was just namedropped in this slate article too. it's a not-for-profit gambling system using real cash and bases all its prices on current demand - it's been far more accurate than pundits in predicting elections. also, you can make cash if you got your finger to the pulse. the best time to buy is early.

who's with me? now is the time to buy your mccain or edwards stock.

Labels: election 2008

this weeks most bizarre search that resulted in a jackblog visit:

"siracusan ships"

if rob portman doesn't run for ohio governor against ted strickland in 2010, he will have paid a prostitute with a check sometime in between.

the former cincinnati congressman (whose seat now belongs to scrunchied skeletor jean schmidt) was one of the slickest dudes in the republican congress before being tapped for us trade rep and OMB director. word 'round the hill was he's being prepped for higher office by the bush syndicate, of which he's an old skool member.

Labels: gubernatorial dongs, mean jean, ohio

our presidential candidates: how crazy are they?

friends, we should really keep an eye on former alaska senator and presidential hopeful mike gravel.

obama is toast.

Labels: election 2008

what happens at grandma's stays at grandma's

i wish i was making this up, but i saw a sign with the slogan above in the window of a little old-folks boutique downtown - the kind that stocks precious moments and other nauseating figurines. it was handcrafted from wood - presumably for one's front yard or window - and was on full display in the shop window.

a search of the phrase turned up this , among other online shops:

DOES YOUR BABY HAVE A FEW SECRETS?

Yup, fun stuff happens at Grandma's place that is just between the baby and her. It's best just to let it ride - but get this shirt to let everyone know that your baby's a player (plays with Grandma, that is). Available in short and long-sleeve one-piece designs. Comes in a great gifting can.

ick?

new arrival in the jackshoppe

another episode

this one comes to us from screech's myspace blog:

i hate everyone at talawanda. hey ima gonna makea list of sub groups of high school kids that i fuckin hate. and you antagonistic mother fuckers that say you don't belong to a group. thats bullshit. yes you do. you are all sheep. but now to the list;

1. drama fags... you guys look like girls and you girls look like shit. no real personality. but you definatly know how to read. fuck you.

2. this should have been number one but i fuckin spaced. the inevitable jock/rich/douche bag asshole-arama. you fuckin dicks know who you are...i hope you all have children with diseases...assholes...

3. a slightly new thing that i either don't recall or happened after i left school. the indie rock bitches. ok let me break this shit down for you little cunts. you are a genetic hybrid of a prep and either A) drama fag B) art fag C) smartypansteses D) all of the above...eat cyanide...

4. oh you mother fuckers definatly knew this shit was coming. god. damn. emo/badmetal kids...

so, which one are you?

i'm definitely a drama fag... but if i had it to do over again i'd totally be a prep/smartypanstes.

Labels: blogs of glory

blogs of glory

guess what, jagoffs? it doesn't bother me none if you ignore me. i've still got more for you:

how about another installment in our long-dormant continuing feature of blog entries found by random search?: a philosophical treatise entitled "where is the glory in forests?":

I know of not many humans who can deny the loveliness of a spring's day in the thick of a forest. But where is the glory in the forest? Whose hands crafted day and night to make this pcturesc scene so possible?...If the forests are unsufficient, where do we look to, to ponder and to be inspired? I stare towards the Skyline. The Skylines of glorious cities. There is true virtue within them. They also block out the sun with their height. They are arrayed in many colors and the ultimate beast lives within them. Not the beast of nut gathering, nor th beast of honey making. They do not hatch eggs. This beast is the beast of Commerce, of progress and of Capitalism.

so there you have it, bloom: worship not the beast of nut gathering.

either way, i prefer the director's cut:

I know of not many humans who can deny the loveliness of a spring's day in the thick of a forest. But where is the glory in the forest? Whose hands crafted day and night to make this picturesque scene so possible?...If the forests are insufficient, where do we look to, to ponder and to be inspired? I stare towards the Skyline:

"The beast is not the beast of nut gathering, nor of honey-making. This beast is the beast of hot sauce-filled oyster crackers."

Labels: blogs of glory

angerblog?

emotionless missionary sex could have been had, three trimesters of pregnancy endured, and a screaming child brought forth into this angry world since the last post on that sad spectacle, angerblog.

what high hopes america's angry had ere she was wrought on september 1st, 2006 with an introductory post besmirching me personally as an "anus" and "meatball". is there not anger left amongst the mighty blogmen and sultry blogarellas of the known blogiverse? where now do the angry turn?

whither, erstwhileblog? oublietteblog? blog-of-forgotten-dreams?

from our favorite positive rapper's myspace bulletin:

Thank you all again for your support of my music. I'm sending this out there to see if anyone's interested in investing in my business. I'm mostly done with the business plan, and I can tell you it's a low-to-moderate risk with a low-to-moderate financial reward for me, and any investment you make would be relatively small with an interest rate of about 10 percent.

any takers?

Dan,

I figured I would leave the eulogy for this one up to you.

peanut guy now in blog form.

with newfound free time on my hands, i shall endeavor to update the peanut guy site daily, either with a new post or one from the olden days.

fuck ya'll, we're from dayton: the homohattan project:

a strange U.S. military proposal to create a hormone bomb that could purportedly turn enemy soldiers into homosexuals and make them more interested in sex than fighting.

why didn't we think of this before? who's got time to kill when there's ample military butts to penetrate?

and where was this ingenious plan concocted? d8n, baby.

Labels: gays, ohio

Just when you thought things couldn't get more like the 1980's.

Johnson Defeats Horse
Claims victory for the absurdly-clothed

Cincinnati Bengals WR Chad Johnson totally smoked a horse in a 1/8 mile long race. How bad is that?

Johnson's reaction?

"Floyd Mayweather, you're next. I want to fight you. I'd like to take Kobe and LeBron one-on-one. Jeff Gordon, we can take a couple laps. ... Now it's my time to take over the race world."

That makes sense. Now, if only Chris Henry could outrun cops...

Hey-Oh!

(Image and quote from SI.com)

UPDATE: Please (and I mean please) enjoy footage of this storied event here. It features trash-talking gems such as:

"He [Restore the Roar, a horse] doesn't even have a game plan for Ocho today."

Labels: bengals

June 8th, 2007: Homercoming

Let us pray:

That Homer shalt deliver us from evil, from the basement of the NL Central, and from the humiliations we have endured so far this season,

Let us pray:

That Homer shalt know no fear, but shall hurl with much vigor the most vicious curves and four-seamed fastballs this land has yet known.

Let us pray:

That he shall have faith, that he shall place trust in his changeup and that he shall throw it frequently with much precision and much bafflement.

Let us pray:

That we shall know and witness the shaming of all adversaries, that they shall fall before the blistering heat of Homer's arsenal, and that only the cold shadows of the craven shall visit their souls in the darkness of their at-bats.

Let us pray:

That a new dawn shall come to the Queen City, and behind it, an era of baseball glory and heroism never before witnessed in the ancient halls of either league.

Let us pray.

Welcome Homer! Go Reds!

Labels: redlegs

I couldn't help but notice the link on the right which sends me to cafepress and the jackbarn industries t-shirts.

I also couldn't help but notice they are $21 plus shipping and handling.

Things are changing around here, and I don't like it.

May I suggest a public referendum on cowboy's new name being the cold whore?

next season of curb your enthusiasm should be awesome

from WP:

Split: Larry and Laurie David have called it quits after 14 years of marriage, confirmed her publicist yesterday, calling the separation "completely amicable."

early this morning when my bus arrived downtown, i witnessed a verbal street brawl on the way to my coffee place. one man had a gray beard, tattered clothes, shopping cart, and knit cap; the other was dressed business casual with a backpack and had the watchtower in one hand. both were redfaced and screaming. i could only deduce that the homeless man was pissed that the jehovah's witness had tried to preach the Word on his corner.

the witness was too furious to say much other than invoke his 1st amendment rights in his preacher voice. the homeless man kept saying "want to fight me for it motherfucker? i'm ready!" and something about cereal and bones.

http://www.palmbeachpost.com/localnews/content/stat/epaper/2007/06/05/0605plant.html

Environment Florida just stopped Florida Power and Light from building a massive, polluting coal-fired power plant on the banks of Lake Okochobee in the Everglades. Pretty exciting, in that it's the campaign that I've devoted my whole life to for the past month and a half.

Cowboy? Explain.

So, am I hallucinating, or does the Jackblog now advertise for "Mobile Command Units"?!?

What's going on? Cowboy?

the rearranging of files from jackblogs past continues to reveal simple pleasures.

more

Kokesh and his anti-war veteran buddies have pulled several picture-perfect stunts in Washington, including a mock military funeral at the Hart Senate building and keeping score of how many times Alberto Gonzales said “I don’t recall” during his Senate grilling last month.

The funeral stunt earned the protesters a coveted “political protest” arrest — apparently it’s now illegal to protest anything for political reasons — and your favorite Marine was also charged with “Unlawful Assembly — Loud and Boisterous,” despite the fact that he was silent during the performance.

On Monday, Kokesh has to show up at a hearing so the Corps can re-discharge him, this time dishonorably.

Namibia-

So, I'm going to Africa in two months and I'm sure that ya'll have some sage advice. It's my first time actually getting out of this country (Canada and a cruise don't count). Any tips I should take with me would be greatly apperciated!

yesterday afternoon around 4, tesla rocked the square outside my office window here in downtown sacramento. as you may know, tesla are sactown natives who totally shred. especially on their seminal album bust a nut (1994). they are also wicked to fact check excel spreadsheets to.

alas, they didn't play signs.

lickety jackblog

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Friday, June 22, 2007

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Monday, June 18, 2007

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Friday, June 15, 2007

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Monday, June 11, 2007

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Friday, June 08, 2007

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