good god! have you heard the news?!Once upon a time (75 million years ago to be more precise) there was an alien galactic ruler named Xenu. Xenu was in charge of all the planets in this part of the galaxy including our own planet Earth, except in those days it was called Teegeeack.
Now Xenu had a problem. All of the 76 planets he controlled were overpopulated. Each planet had on average 178 billion people. He wanted to get rid of all the overpopulation so he had a plan.
Xenu took over complete control with the help of renegades to defeat the good people and the Loyal Officers. Then with the help of psychiatrists he called in billions of people for income tax inspections where they were instead given injections of alcohol and glycol mixed to paralyse them...
...As for Xenu, the Loyal Officers finally overthrew him and they locked him away in a mountain on one of the planets. He is kept in by a force-field powered by an eternal battery and Xenu is still alive today.
why the shits are we in iraq when we can be hunting down this nefarious xenu and his cruel psychiatrist army and delivering them the ancient justice they so deserve!?!
Labels: religion
after our fearless leader's address last night, i decided that it was time for another pop quiz. the winner gets a piece of my birthday cake.
who said the following:
Nothing is more essential than that antipathies against particular nations and passionate attachments for others should be avoided and that instead of them we should cultivate just and amicable feelings towards all. That nation which indulges towards another an habitual hatred or an habitual fondness, is in some degree a slave....It is a slave to its animosity, or to its affection--either of which is sufficient to lead it astray from its duty and interest. The nation urged by resentment and rage, sometimes compels the government to war, contrary to its own calculations of policy. The government sometimes participates in this propensity and dons through passion what reason would forbid at other times; it makes the animosity of the nations subservient to hostile projects which originate in ambition and other sinister motives.
Finally! My own Doppelganger Alert!
Mr. Dan Pribble
Vice President of S.E. Operations
Enron Pipeline Services, Inc.
P.O. Box 1188
Houston, Texas 77251-1188
Re: CPF No. 4-2001-5004
Dear Mr. Pribble:
Enclosed is a Final Order issued by the Associate Administrator for Pipeline Safety in the
above-referenced case. It makes a finding of violation of pipeline safety standards. Your receipt
of the Final Order constitutes service of that document under 49 C.F.R. ยง190.5.
I acknowledge receipt of, and accept your check dated November 11, 2001, in the amount
of $1,000 as payment in full of the civil penalty. This case is now closed and no further
enforcement action is contemplated with the respect to the matters involved in this case. Thank you for your cooperation in our joint effort to ensure pipeline safety.
Sincerely,
Gwendolyn M. Hill
Pipeline Compliance Registry
Office of Pipeline Safety
It seems like we got raw deals in the doppelganger department, Cowboy.
Labels: doppelgangers
gitmo -- the new vacation destination!WASHINGTON -- Defending the treatment of prisoners at the U.S. jail in Guantanamo Bay, Vice President Dick Cheney said they are well treated, well fed and "living in the tropics."the most outrageous thing i've heard all day (and its only noon!). once again,
reality outstrips satire.
RON WEASLEY ELECTED SPEAKER!
WASHINGTON, DC - Fresh out of Hogwarts, Ron Weasley was elected Speaker of the House today to wild, enthusiastic applause. No word yet on whether he savagely magicked unsuspecting Congressional Muggles into unanimously accepting as Member of Congress a lad who is clearly below the 25-year-old minimum mandated by the constitution.
Labels: congress
Blogger's Malaise?
Can somebody PLEASE hook a bored office drone up with some blogs that somebody actually does something with? Come on my opinionated and endlessly gifted brethren! I'm in a basement! At a Library! What am I supposed to do, work? Just a running tally: Yeehaw (the winner) two MEAGER posts in the last few weeks, Ixplode--last updated Feb 21st, Bimyo--last updated April 18, Little Gordie--last updated May 30 '04, CandyCaneSammy--last updated?
Where's my entertainment, you brilliant bastards?
dan
andrew martin and andi caudill got married today. yr thoughts?
Day 3Glad you asked, Jeanne. These last few days have been a roller coaster ride of tactile awareness. My initial impressions have, for the most part, held true. Shaving my legs was a good decision, and one I'll probably repeat. My armpits now feel like they're back to normal for the most part, and in fact I find myself sweating (ergo emitting odor) much less than usual.
The problem areas: My pubic region, most specifically the area under the band of my underwear, is pretty bad. A friend of mine told me last nite to look into a product called "Bikini Zone," or something like that. Anyone familiar? Personally, I didn't know anything could be done about in-grown hairs. I thought they just demanded patience. The top of my chest, around my clavicle, is also very irritated. Any attempt to scratch causes mild pain. Basically, rubbing/touching any part of my torso is uncomfortable.
Sleeping isn't bad, but I still don't have silk sheets, which would be helpful and probably should have been considered beforehand (as a reward) for conducting this experiement.
I think I'd be willing to try this again sometime, but in the future I'll probably trim rather than shave my pubes. At least I won't look like an eight year old boy that way.
for those of you in the neighborhood July 13,
The Trophymen shall be rocking DC's historic
Black Cat.
adios, mofo!(watch the video)
No pollutants or global warming emissions? I think radioactive waste that does not go away for 250,000 years and makes everything around it radioactive might be considered pollution. but hey, you're right bush, nuclear is green.
Speaking of China... I treated my dad to a high class, top quality meal at the Jumbo Buffet on Father's Day. The Buffet was offering a special $10.99 dinner for the occasion. The deal was both unexpected and quite welcome, since I was buying. I was shocked, then, to discover that this dubious deal was in fact, to good to be true. There's a card at each table listing the prices of each buffet: Mon. - Thurs. v. Fri. - Sun., Lunch v. Dinner, etc. The cards are stuck between those plastic plate thingies so they stand up at the table. Well, the "deal" cards were hand written in blue marker on plain white computer paper. They covered the usual price cards. On Sunday my curiousity got the better of me, so I checked under the Father's Day Special. Anyone care to guess how much the everyday price for Sunday dinner at the Jumbo Buffet usually is? It's $9.99. That's right. For Father's Day I had the special privilege of paying $1 extra for every meal. Isn't that so thoughtful? Having discovered the plot to snooker me, I did what any red-blooded American afraid of conflict would have done: I paid the extra few bucks, and deposited a 16 fl. oz. cup of iced urine in the banana pudding. The moral is this: Stay away from the fucking Jumbo Buffet on holidays cuz they're out fuck all the fat, rich, stupid Americans. Peace.
Labels: food
The News In Brief! :good lord in heaven, what is happening to america's adorable white kids?!like you, i am deeply concerned about the growing epidemic of missing cute upper middle class caucasians. while this wave has
generally struck white teenage girls in the past, a closer look shows that males have not escaped the steely grasp of this shadowy menace!
this bright young reporter, potentially a target herself, reports on a missing white
cub scout!
yes, somewhere out there in the water, where rescue workers tell us "in some spots it's deeper than others," our intrepid journalist informs us that sources say "
something" has in fact been found "
somewhere" in "
Utah." what's more, "family members have gathered to go out to this item, to see what this 'something' might be...but indeed,
someone has found
something."
and while they seem at the present time to be unable to save our lovely suburban youths from the cruel jaws of missingness, at least our Bold Republican Leaders in Congress have found the precious time to bring to the house floor today the patriotic, pro-whitekid FLAG BURNING AMENDMENT!
I join you in supporting the amendment, asking
How many of our youths must go missing while we sit idly by and watch communist nazi jihadists torch this dyed piece of patriot-cloth!?
DAY 1After weighing the pros and cons for a while, and realizing how few sexual prospects are currently on the horizon for me, I decided yesterday when I got home from work to shave.
Everything. For any of you who have considered this, I'll try to keep you updated with regular status reports. (The only thing left is the hair on my forearms, and on the top of my head. I didn't want it to be too conspicuous.)
To give you an idea of what I started with, I'd guesstimate I'm probably the second most furry Jackblogger. More furry than the cowboy, less than dan. I had to have an ex come over to help with the certain areas which were beyond my reach.
When I initially finished, things were unpleasant. I had razor burn on my junk and armpits, and I was bleeding from my right nipple. But once I'd showered and dressed, I felt like a silk-skinned millionaire. Thumbs up to shaved legs. Thumbs down to shaved pubic hair, especially where my belt and the band of my underwear hits. That's what's irritated me most, which makes sense since curly hair is most likely to effect ingrown hairs.
Sleeping on my back last night was occasionally as uncomfortable as having someone rub your face the wrong way the day after you've shaved. I think I need to find some silk underthings...
Labels: furries
what's that you say saddam?"I wish things were like when Ronald Reagan was still president.""He talked about how Reagan sold him planes and helicopters and stuff," says Jesse. "And basically funded his war against Iran."
oval office BJs keep sounding better and better.
URGENT!Please send me pictures of Todd ASAP! In order for Todd's housewarming gift to be ready by the time he arrives in Chicago, I need stock photos of his lovely noggin! Any and all will do! Thanks!
introducing
mr. awesome, the world champion at
missile command and creator (curator?) of the
rich and famous fellatio hall of fame.
check out
apocalypse culture ii or the
disinfo dvds for more fun.
how did we miss
this story last month? there's more
herepriceless!
ah, congress!and you thought
shutting up the minority only happened in
zimbabwe!
mr. sensenbrenner is a model citizen and a true american hero. just a month or so ago he ordered committee staff to
rewrie the official description of a democratic amendment to the bogus "child interstate abortion notification act" out of committee to read:
Mr. Nadler offered an amendment that would have created an additional layer of Federal court review that could be used by sexual predators to escape conviction under the bill.
the amendment, which would have exempted older siblings and grandparents from prosecution should they escort a child raped by her parents across state lines for an abortion, was originally reported as:
The Nadler amendment allows an adult who could be prosecuted under the bill to go to a Federal district court and seek a waiver to the state's parental notice laws if this remedy is not available in the state court.
shucks! being in charge sure is fun!
Labels: congress
UPDATED: replaced broken link
fridays are marvelousif you enjoyed the
original, you're sure to love the
america fuck yeah remix.
Labels: music
in other wartastic newz:in case you were wondering how military recruiting is going these days, you can find your answer
here.
impeachment.
something i was seriously asking at least six months ago is answered
here, but only really as a result of the mainstream media now paying attention to the downing st. memo.
here's the most interesting part, as far as i'm concerned:
Impeachment is a political process with some legal overtones, not a legal one with some political overtones. To get impeachment going you have to have substantial support in the House of Representatives -- and, as the outcome of the Nixon and Clinton impeachments indicates, it's probably a good idea to have substantial bipartisan support. Nixon left office before the impeachment process was concluded, but he did so because he knew that he didn't have much support even within the Republican Party anymore, and Clinton was not convicted by the Senate at least in part because he had essentially unified support from his own party.
The Nader-DeLong position has no legs politically because Republicans in the House and Senate -- a majority in both houses, after all -- support the Bush administration's policy. And, because it has no legs politically, it has no legs legally either.
If you want to impeach the president, you're going to have to win elections. And, of course, if you can do that, you might not have to impeach the president anyway.
interesting stuff, all around. make sure to log into salon and you can read it all.
ok.
Labels: congress
here is a picture of myself too, just to join the crowd. I have cut my hair since then. go get some pictures of yourselves
Just like back in the day, delivering
pizza to zone t-park.
Pictures of the photographic variety scare me. Give me some ASCII portraits any day.
I'm Dan, I don't have a "cool" "name" for the "web" so this is probably unnecessary, anyway. I look like this:
,,,,,,,,,
^""""""^
(| -0^0- |)
\\\L ///
\|<>|/
| \=/|
*
I hope you like me. (Back me up Seth...and post some of that good ascii porn if you've got it!)
here's this
song that i personally can't listen to cause i have no sound in this box, but i thought a song called Ohio Lunch must be worth listening to. let me know how it is.
and here's me. i regret nothing.
Labels: music, ohio
Real funny guys. Post pictures of
other people, but claim that it's you. How terribly clever. You might have gotten away with it too had the Cowboy not become a bit too ambitious in his comedic enterprise. Clearly that's Charlton Heston! Well, here's a picture of me, and this is real:
I'm the one on the left.
cold cowboy reporting for duty
this one was taken during my intern days...
doppelganger alert:
Michael Snavely, 32, of Hopkinsville said he was excited to hear that President Bush was coming to town and that he would "love to meet him and thank him for all of what he's done.
"I fully support Bush because he's done a good job in Iraq, and I support him because of his support of the military," said Snavely, a Republican who serves in the U.S. Army and has spent about a year fighting in Iraq with his field artillery division.
Labels: doppelgangers, iraq
can we get a blog roll-call?
for example, my name is flynn. i look like this:
two thingz1. the
brothsea of bovus has been updated.
2. it's the end of a month, which means it's time to check out the top google searches that led folks to the jackblog:
1 28.57% jackbarn
2 9.52% crustacean turbid limpid
3 9.52% happy ralph socks
4 9.52% jackblog
5 9.52% lickety jackblog
6 9.52% man sucking socks
7 4.76% ask a guy to prom
8 4.76% serenity
9 4.76% tabasco genitals
10 4.76% the peanut guy
11 4.76% the shell of the peanut is called -
one can only hope that pictures of a man sucking a sock actually exist on the interweb...
Labels: ralphnsocks
