lickety jackblog: June 2004

hi. I was wondering something the other day:

Why aren't there more Planet Hollywoods? anybody?

cheers.

ah, cheney.

"As it happens, the exchange occurred on the same day the Senate passed legislation described as the 'Defense of Decency Act' by 99 to 1."

damn.

has anyone heard from either sarge or seth? i want to talk with (or write to) both fellas.

anyway, we're in paris right now. paris is radder than i remember. jm can't stop drinking. colin keeps getting called jack osbourne (there is a resemblence, you have to admit).

more later.

love,
- mr. flynn

Alas! It is my sorry duty to inform (and your less-than-sorry duty to hear) that I shall be away from my lovely basement this Friday, and thus no Friday Morning Poetry shall fall across the Jackbarn from this crazed loon. I hope and suspect that another bold and bored youngster might just step the keys and tap out a little ditty of his or her own. Here's hoping.

Dry your eyes, my apostles of light, dry your weary eyes. For another Friday may yet come!

the dope-ass side of the news is that i'll be gone to NYC to watch the lovely Cincinnati Reds do battle with the nefarious Metropolitans of New York! Go Redlegs!

Keep it real.

dan

Labels: redlegs

Hello Dudes,

I, like Flynn, am also beginning a cross-continental trip. I arrived in Oakland, CA thursday evening after spending about 12 combined hours sitting in three different airports. Suffice it to say I will never fly America West again, and I will think long and hard before bringing a bike to the airport without any sort of shipping container.

The following friday nite might as well have been a WCP reunion party. I think about five out of 30 people there had not attended Western at some point. We passed around the trip journal and got it back 120 pages half-spent.

Hannah bought greg and I dried seafood (crumbled, dried shrimp for me; an entire dried salmon for greg) and ordered us to come up with at least ten uses for the pair on our trip (the first: bikinis). About an hour later, Nick and I walked down to lake Merritt and fed the shrimp to the bottom feeders and geese. We waited for some ravenous aquatic demon to come springing out of the water as we sprinkled the ground sea dung across the water, but found ourselves disappointed.

Yesterday we picked up the remainder of our supplies and hung out at the Book Zoo, outside of which a lovely Brazillian band had developed moorings. Tomorrow we leave from the coast.

Greg put up a website that he can somehow post to from his cellphone (and whenever we pass by a public library), so if you'd like to stay posted on our progress the site is: bikebums.com. (It's not quite put together yet, but should congeal in the next day or so.)

19 june 2004 - amsterdam

we've been in europe for half a week now, and i'm already exhausted. we got into london at 6am on the 16th, and immediately found a small, personable hotel. slept some, then went into town and walked around. our hotel was in westminster, so we walked around there -- westminster abbey, big ben, parliament, then up to trafalgar square and leicester square. jm and colin got drunk at night after we watched a euro cup game at a pub. they came home at 3am and jm flipped me off because i wouldn't let him smoke a cigarette in the room.

the next day we split up. jm was hungover, so he slept in. colin went to the imperial war museum. i went to st. paul's and the tate modern, which has a collection of amazing art from the 20th century -- max ernst, modigliani, dali, and a giant spider. i crossed the millennium bridge and got the tube to trafalgar, which was hilarious because it was fucking rush hour in london. needless to say, my tall ass had a hard time fitting.

we sat around at night, then went out walking some. slept and went to the liverpool st. train station in the morning to get a ferry for amsterdam. we had to wait six hours in a burger king for the train to come to take us. didn't leave until 17:30. train to harwich, then ferry to hook on holland on which i slept a bit, then train to amsterdam. we didn't get into centraal station until 2:30, at which point we met up with another backpacker from iowa, a writer major named evan.

we walked around town for a few hours. met up with a stoner dutch piss-head who tried to convince us his name was marcus garvey. got free pints from a durham man who was pleased as punch to meet americans: "america and england together, and everyone else is shit!" his name was jeff, and he stood with us out in the street for an hour, telling us how he hates new york, london, france ("they eat turds there -- turds with garlic!"), germany (his fther and grandfather fought in both world wars), india, australia, etc. etc. the only places he likes are america and newcastle, where apparently women walk around naked.

we stood in a bus stop for 2 hours, talking and pacing around. oh, did i mention i did adderall to stay awake? well, i did. so i smoked cigarettes and talked too much, until we went to our hostel and got accosted by a man fresh out of jail, missing teeth, looking for all of our money.

we slept from noon until this evening, but that didn't stop jm and colin from getting stoned as shit. i've been wandering around town, getting lost. evan made cheese sandwiches. we are staying at the flying pig hostel near the train station, where music is constantly on the stereo, smoke fills the air in the narrow reception room, and people are in and out 24 hours a day.

i'm having fun so far, but i'm also homesick. i get that way easily, and having a girlfriend makes it much worse. this trip has been fun but exhausting and expensive so far, but we're just getting our bearings about being on the continent, beating jet lag, living out of backpacks and the like.

plus, we have italy to look forward to. until then, i'd appreciate ANY emails from any of you. anything is better than nothing, and i want to hear from friends to keep me grounded. write at candycanesammy@hotmail.com.

you are all my children.
- jim

On a happier note...

The US Senate passed (in a 65 to 33 vote) the federal hate crimes bill! This bill is working to add gender and sexual orientation to the current hate crime legislation. What's even better is that both of Ohio's Senators voted to support it- woah republicans supporting queers. I know some of you have problems with hate crime legislation in general, but hey, this is still a step somewhere in the right direction. Of course, this will probably be some consolation prize so they can pass that god damned amendment. Ya know, don't let the gays get married, but at least now people can't hate them...yay...

hamilton in the spotlight once again

seems good ol' hamilton has the distinction of erecting the first statue of george w. bush not located in disney world's hall of presidents. placed on the hamilton high school grounds, it commemorates the signing of the hilarious 'no child left behind act'.

"It was the first time anyone has signed a bill in Hamilton," Donna Carruthers (who donated the $400,000 to create the sculpture) said. "We don't expect anyone else to sign a bill here again."

Labels: ohio

Friday Morning Festival of Sorrow

My Ailing Backyard

My ailing backyard's full
of Slugs
and Bugs
that rip and shred the grass.
So fast that I cannot
Protect,
Thus wrecked.
My lawn could not long last.

So shrewd these scoundrel beasts
Destroy,
Employ
Their fangs for havoc wrought.
I sought solutions for
This ill.
To kill
These creatures, poison bought.

I widely spread these grains
of death
the breadth
And length of my fair lawn.
Those Spawn! Ate not my fell
death feast!
At least,
I thought, they've left, they're gone.

But they'd not left my grass
and rain
spread bane
Of grass, my poison grains
became a deadly foe
malaise
pale haze
Of death, my lawn complains.

And now my yard has passed
in to
the dew
of fallen lawn remorse.
Of course, if I'd been wise,
surmised
the guise
of its downfall's foul source

Mayhaps I could have saved
the day.
Its gay
Green beauty has been lost.
What cost paid I! My wrongs
Have killed
and Spilled
Its blood. To fate, I'm tossed.

couple things. What's with that picture at the top of this page? What is this crap? Why isn't that lion cub mauling that child? And why isn't the wolf's muzzle drenched and red with the glistening and innocent blood of that defenseless lamb? What horsehockey!

Also...I demand more atrocities in the hall. haven't you jackbarn chumps seen anything gross lately?

sincerely,
"delightful" dan pribble

Friday Morning Crap-Festival!

We're gonna relax the stylistic restraints a 'taste' today. so whoopee!

Robust Watermelon

Robust watermelon!
Stinking like an unkempt felon,
Drippy, rotting mealy mush
Over-sweet abhorrent rush
And seeds in multitude!

I found you in the produce store
Your stink filled not the air.
If I had known your robust self
I would have bought a pear.

You stink! you smell, you robust fruit!
An Odor Suit
You wear. And dare my nostrils
moist and fearing you.
You stench you stench!
Oh cruel time
Such a crime, my summer melon
Stinking, yellin'
NO not fair not fair!
My melon's lost to me!

Soft shelled-terror
So much fairer thy face if
Time didst not disgrace
Thy tissue sweat, thy fruity meat
O! Rotting carapace!

You robust melon,
always tellin
Girls to whirl and twirl
and dance with you,
but P-U!
What stink!
Who'd dare to think
of you as food?
Not shrewd.

So putrescent,
Malodorescent,
I know that's not a word,
but turds
are what you stink of.
Robust Melon.

hope you're all feeling the groove.

Ok, I would like to state for the record that I never thought highly of Vin Diesel, but all of a sudden, I don't dislike him so much. Diesel and rolling D's; who knew?!?

friends --

i will be in europe starting next week. i know myself well enough to know that i'll be homesick, so please write me at my new email address: candycanesammy@hotmail.com. i'll also post on this blog when i can; sorry i haven't been posting lately, but i've been with child (we lost it and have been in mourning).

in any case, i love you all and you are all my children. colin morton sends his warmest regards.

p.s. -- here's a monkey on a finger:

Well, if anyone was worried that The Massachusetts was getting out of control with its wacky and wild "Gays can get Married!" policy, have no fear: the Spirit of America (or Cradle of Liberty to you assholes) has instituted a fun and paranoid policy that will hopefully be spreading to a terrified city near you! Glad to see the Bay State back to it's old tricks.

And oh yes, the DNC will be ruining my life soon...Or didn't everybody know that all the workers who are supposed to be preparing the city are on strike? Should be a great couple of months!

Labels: gays

"After death, your soul will stand up out of your body. You will all the sudden see The Dark Carnival's parade of wagons rolling towards you. Lead by the 6 Joker's Card faces on giant flags and an entire parade of ghost and wagons following them."

...Yes. enjoy the dark carnival f.a.q., courtesy of violent j. read it with carlos eversole. or, sans eversole, with billy zink. or, minus zink, with an ort brother.

Labels: religion

i pose a simple question:

is it worth $12.00 to get access to Carlos Eversole's email address?

because im pretty sure it is...

what do you think?

you heard it here first

you may have forgotten until this week that reagan was the greatest president of all time, but how refreshing it is to be reborn in ronald. may we all take a moment to question the shaky moral foundation of our current ideological whims, and cast our november vote for the 2004 candidate who likes reagan more. i for one will spend ronald reagan day taking comfort that his legacy shall live on forever, thanks in part to a heart-shaped state called...ohio.

Labels: ohio

This is for all you uppity independent types who refuse to join the AOL revolution. If you couldn't follow the link to the article, I've found a different one. Hopefully, everyone will be able to enjoy this juicy dish on the Juice. I just hope everyone's as happy as I that the man has found a new calling.

I want everybody to take a good long look at this.

As per request: A Special breakfast/baseball edition of Friday Morning Poetry!

Stack of Jacks, Hold the Slack

My waiter was a hulking
Figure, bigger than a barnyard ox,
His pants were hiked up over
Calves revealing vibrant scarlet socks.

He asked me what I wanted
"I will have the special, sir" I said.
"Ah yes!" he said, "Delicious!
Stack of jacks, beef hash and toasted bread!"

"May I suggest a cocktail
To accomp'ny your large stack of jacks?
It's made of whiskey, sausage
And it's called the Jim-Jack-Paddy-Whack!"

"Most excellent!" I chortled
And he grinned "Yes, I expected so.
And sir, should you need help just
Holler loud, the name is Wily Mo."

He lumbered to the counter
Called my order to the cook in Red.
"Excuse me" said the busboy
Wiped my table "Dunn's the name" he said.

Then Wily Mo returned and
Swore that my food would just be a jif.
"No better jacks are made than
By that cook," he smiled, "His name is Grif."

When I was finished eating
I was joined by the head manager.
He called himself "The Mayor"
And inquired how my Big Jacks were.

"Delectable, delicious!"
He grinned, sipped his virgin paddy-whack,
"Oh good, I'll tell the owner,
Mr. Larkin promises great jacks."

So I left satisfied and
Without anything to wish or want.
For who needs more than to sup
On big jacks at Redleg restaurant?

my word. Seth, i hope you like this one because i don't know if anyone else will.

Go Reds!

Labels: redlegs

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