ATTENTION JACKBLOGGERS:
DAN ADMITS TO TAKING SUPPLEMENTS TO GROW BEARD
DAN ADMITS TO TAKING SUPPLEMENTS TO GROW BEARD
In shocking news out of Massachusetts (bastion of liberalness and sodomy), noted jack-blogger dan has admitted to taking supplements in order to grow his alleged beard.
"It's true. I'm a f****** disgrace," commented dan late Wednesday afternoon.
Sources within the International Union for Beards had tested dan last month under the suspicion that he had been "juicing." They claim that both dan's A and B sample had come back positive. Rather than suffer an extended trial, dan confessed his sins at a public news conference held Wednesday afternoon.
Sources within the International Union for Beards had tested dan last month under the suspicion that he had been "juicing." They claim that both dan's A and B sample had come back positive. Rather than suffer an extended trial, dan confessed his sins at a public news conference held Wednesday afternoon.
Fellow jackblogger, the cold cowboy, was set to give testimony to the Union later this month, explaining his several month absence from the blog.
When reached for comment, cowboy stated, "I had seen these pills right next to his penis enlargement cream. At first I didn't know what they were, but then upon closer examination I saw they were beard-enhancement supplements. I cried all night, because my faith in humanity was gone."
President of the Union, ayatollah assahola, had this to say, "I knew he was a fraud from the beginning, and now we've proven it. I only wish that yankee f*** had the balls to come down to Dixie and fight these charges. But I mean, what else do you expect from a boy who works in a library and decorates his desk with homemade anti-St. Louis Cardinals propoganda? At least Missouri had the balls to be a border state in the War of Northern Aggression."
When asked if there was any chance for redemption, ayatollah responded, "He might as well have a thin beard, that p**** b****."
In the end, though, only time and history will tell.
Dan, sweetie, I await your response.
posted by ayatollah assahola @ 7:02 PM
6 Comments:
Weak chin or not, wince you were 14, Dan?
Weak chin or not, since you were 13, Dan?
Fuck this fickle comment system.
"he might as well have a thin beard"
fucking brilliant
I am in a bind, friends. I wish to acknowledge these disgraceful allegations in no way, shape, or form, for truly my beard is holy, benign and wants nothing more than to shower and nurture the world with love. Yet answer I must, even though the charges be libelous and foul.
My beard is the product of pure, unadulterated testosterone production. It's true that the accuser, Ayatollah (a name that is not his own, and the bearded council notes this) shapes his beards to conform to certain fashionable trends, be they nu-metal, WWE or homeless-inspired. Dan has never sought to accent his beard with such artificial accoutrements, but rather relies on the natural beauty his beard has come to represent.
The charges are outrageous and utterly ungrounded. They are the product of a deranged mind. I am sorry that it has come to this.
Ayatollah's beard must be a source of some kind of humiliation or sorrow to him, for I can see no other reason that he would make such a wildly unfounded attack. I would have thought him better. It is true that his beard has always sported trends that are questionable at best. His desire to catch attention has frequently compromised integrity and purity. But his beard had--and has--promise. But only he can save it.
Further, I would like to appeal to the Cold Cowboy, who must certainly be as upset as I to be implicated in such a way. I am confident that testimony from said Cowboy will reveal that not only has the bearded one never indulged in penis-enlargement cream, he has similarly never taken any kind of supplement to aid in the growth of beard hair.
It saddens me to see a bearded brethren so down on his luck. The actions of the Ayatollah are the actions of a luckless, hopeless, prospectless "man". If he seeks it, my beard will offer him guidance, but he must first offer true and contrite apologies for the grievous and utterly false allegations he has brought forward. Please, Ayatollah. Stop this fool's quest. My beard--the greater--will tutor yours, teach it the way. You soul is salvageable, as is your beard. Do not turn from the light. I am your friend, your lord, your light and your salvation. Come forward and be forgiven for your sins.
this flame war is really reaching a new pinnacle!
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home