lickety jackblog

i want to talk about ketchup for a minute. it may be a condiment, but i believe it's role in american culture is far greater than anyone is willing to admit.
i have to start by talking about quality. to save you from reading a long and gory tale, i'll tell you that last night i found out that not all ketchup is created equal. in a blind taste test, Heinz no. 57 blows Hunt's right out the window. i'll just say that eating one (Hunt's) is not unlike brushing you teeth with battery acid and rinsing with hot rock salt. the other is heavenly.
on paper, the difference between the two seems negligible. Hunt's contains garlic powder, which Heinz does not. it's here the roads diverge. Hunt's lacks the 'spice' that you'll find in a bottle of Heinz. is this, i wonder, like the mysterious, mystical melange of arrakis? or, is it something more? i do know, it must be the secret.
now that i've established the discrepancy in quality, i can tell you what it means for the american people. we'd be looking at a very different election this year without the Heinz dynasty. had john kerry married the Hunt's heiress, he'd be no more than a city councilman somewhere in the foothills of appalachia. i'll have to have my intern check the stats, but i'm almost certain that kerry's election would mean the first ever tomato based administration to set foot in the white house.
think about that.

posted by lonesomeswishdog @ 5:01 PM