Look up, my children, for a new light is shining!It is appropriate, I think, on this pagan day of goblins, ghouls, wights and wizards, for me to bring forth and cry aloud joyous tidings. For this very day, my flock, I have received my ordination and have joined god's legions as a minister in the Progressive Universal Life Church. My spiritual Leader, Jack J. Stahl (pictured at right) has welcomed me and placed within me the divine flame. A New Star is risen!
So on this day, as Satan and his brethren despoil our beautiful spaceship Earth with orgies of candy and Harry Potter-worship, know that your mortal souls are now held and watched over by a new and mighty Shepherd: Reverend Dan.
Now I think it wise to turn the reins over to Pastor Jack himself. So hear the words of the Sacramento Saint, and revel in their divinity, that we might know more of his sprawling and largely ineffable designs. What's really at the root of your vast spirituality, Pastor Jack?
"In 1969, when I was only 6 years old, "This is Tom Jones" first aired on television. Every week I would sit in front of the TV hypnotized by this gyrating God. Jones' voice made me feel as if I was surrounded by angels. It is a feeling I still experience today. It is a inner peace not easy to describe. It is spiritual.
I have attended more than 200 Tom Jones concerts. For me, it is a very spiritual experience. The stage is indeed Tom Jones' ministry.Today, I am the leader of The Progressive Universal Life Church in Sacramento, CA.. While doing my spiritual work, I always listen to the angelic voice of singer Tom Jones. I perform sermons, marriages, baptisms, funerals & exorcisms with the aid of Jones' music. I also dress up & dance like Tom Jones during church services.
In 1997, I was voted "Strangest Person in America" by the nationally syndicated television show Strange Universe." (emphasis added, comments taken from "Pastor Jack and the Church of Tom Jones")
Please feel free to read more of my new spirital leader's bold and refreshing commentary on worship here and here.
Well, I think we can all agree who the holiest Jackblogger is (sorry, skirt). I'm available, as Pastor Jack indicated, for weddings, baptisms, funerals and, of course, exorcisms. Rates vary, offer void where prohibited.
Reverend Dan out!
Labels: religion
posted by dan @ 11:22 AM
11 Comments:
When was the last time you delivered a sermon, Turds? Probably never, I'm guessing. I just peeled the paint off the walls in the study room at the library, sermonizing the evils of computeers and mathematics and women for over 2.5 hours. Match that!
-Reverend Dan
p.s. Isn't that Tom Jones stuff fucking wild? Did you have any idea what our church was actually like? Are we supposed to dress up, too?
Not to mention that your association with this notably non-progressive "Univeral Life Church" leads me to believe that you have lost your path. That you are a charlatan, and that your professed love and adoration of the Lord and the Light, Tom Jones, is a sham. Crawl back to your neanderthal friends in that backward church. I shall gyrate with Jack and Tom, the heavenly chorus of angels singing us to sleep. Indeed, what IS new, pussycat?
Only the good news, of course.
Dan, thanks for the nod, but it was not neccessary. Although, this does make me question the idea that all religions have something to offer. ;-)
I'll think of you all while I am preaching (ahh!) this Sunday.
By the way, I love this little tid bit from the offical website.
"As a point of passing, thousands of Ministers
have become enormously wealthy performing simple religious ceremonies."
Congrats on your ordination Dan. Now it's time to go out there and become enormously wealthy...which will be an amazing feat, because the ministers I know are poor. How will you ever spend your riches??
I'll probably buy God a new hot tub. One of those ones that warms towels for you while you soak.
dan, dan, dan...
you envy me in every way. I'm an ayatollah, so you must be a reverend. how fitting for an archnemisis. time for holy war, bitch. shall i bring the cheez-its or will you?
Man, I been quaking with the best of 'em, backing up the Underground Railroad with my direct line to the Lord since day one. All y'all can just sit back because we quakers got it covered.
Tom Jones indeed.
Give me a break, "Ayatollah". In the area of spirituality I have few rivals and fewer nemeses, and you are certainly not one. For one thing, can you produce documentation of your spiritual rank? Because fucking dan can. Do you have access to the good parking spots and hospitals and prisons? Do people kiss your ring? All these things are true for me now that I have entered Tom Jones' army, and I sincerely doubt you can say the same. It's easy to call oneself a holy man, harder to pay the $20 to actually become one.
-Reverend Dan
before this devolves into another homoerotic pissing match between the two most prominent beards in the crew (and by beards i mean closet bears), let me offer my congrats to dan on his newfound title.
some of you may know that the reason dan got this was to officiate todd and kristen's wedding, which makes the whole thing one million times cooler than it already was.
Wait, is that real? Did you really do this so that you can officate their wedding? Fucking sweet. Sorry Sarge, Dan wins.
It is true. My friend CCS is correct. Long ago I told my friend Todd that if he were ever to be wed, I'd very much like to officiate. At that time I told him that if he was to make such a decision, he should make it knowing full well that I would 1) Wear many robes and perhaps a mitre, 2) Conduct the entire ceremony in Latin, 3) Require Todd to produce a family crest either etched in a tablet of stone or emblazoned on a shield, and 4) demand that Kristen's dowry, whatever it may be, be physically present at the time of the ceremony.
Surprisingly Todd has taken me up on my offer, and even more surprisingly Kristen's on board. I hear that at this time even parents have been informed of the decision. I do not know if I can actually make any of the above mentioned things happen, but I picked up a Latin workbook at the Rome store on my way home today.
Peace be with you, my children. Go in peace to love and serve the Lord, Tom Jones.
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